Bad Day

I've had a rough week.  Sunday was great.  We took my mom to Disneyland for her birthday.  Unfortunately, it was raining and I got sick early Monday morning.  I spent Monday fighting a fever and today trying to feel better.  However, I have more than physical illness affecting me because tomorrow is the day my daughter was due. It's been so hard as it approaches.  I wish I were pregnant again already.  I miss feeling her in my tummy and looking forward to being a mom.  Mike says that our Rainbow baby is coming soon, but I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant again.  All I want is to be a mom and it doesn't seem like it's ever going to happen.  If I were already pregnant again, maybe I could deal with tomorrow a little easier, but I'm not, and it leaves my life in uncertainty.  I guess I should go see my doctor, but I'm pretty sure they're going to argue I've proven I can get pregnant and just be patient.  But it's so hard.
I don't know what else to say except I miss my baby and I'm not looking forward to the rest of my life if I can't have another one.  It seems pretty awful.
It's also hard when it seems like everyone is getting pregnant, or already has their babies, and every time I turn on the tv, there's a commercial about talk to your baby or use these diapers or whatever.  I can't seem to get away from it.

OOTD+Late Night Musings

Yesterday, I was stopping in at Target, which is an almost daily occurence, since it's within walking distance of my house.  While checking out, I noticed the cashier had a "Mom of an Angel" bracelet.  We got to talking, and she's lost two babies because of a faulty cervix.  I felt really bad for her.  Her daughter was due on Christmas and she lost her the same week I lost Therese.  It creates an instant bond, but it's a very sad sisterhood.
Sometimes I feel like all that happened to someone else.  It's been long enough that I don't remember things quite as clearly (especially since I was on an epidural), but unfortunately, I remember when they told me she was gone quite clearly.  Working on making that memory fuzzy too. 
In happier news, I've felt so much better this week as compared to last week! I've been exercising every day and Mike and I went on a hike to a waterfall Monday.  Being out in "nature" really made me feel so much clearer and peaceful.  I've visited Therese every day this week and been fine. I just talk to her about my dreams and hopes and I know she listens.
Being happy leads to dressing pretty! My newest favorite skirt is from Modcloth, by Steady Clothing.  Their tops always fit me a little bit tightly, but their skirts are roomy, comfortable and look fantastic. My go to black skirt is also by Steady, and I hope to get the mauve and teal versions of this one when I get paid (someday). 

Shirt: Target

Skirt: Modcloth

Flower: Vintagebox 1947

Butterfly Pin: Old, from my mom

Shoes: Target

 

As you can see, Target is my friend.  My butterfly pin has been coming out a lot lately.  There are numerous websites dedicated to moms who have lost a baby and in a few of those, they use butterflies as a symbol for the babies.  I like that imagery better than an angel in a lot of ways, so my butterfly pin comes out when I feel like I need to pull her close to me.  

Mike made me do this pose

I also have to wear my glasses more often.  I spent way too much time as a kid being teased about glasses, so I've never been fond of wearing them.  However, my eyes definitely need a break and I guess now's as good a time as any.  

Last thing before I go to bed so I can sub tomorrow: Agent Carter is a fantastic show! The clothes and hair are to die for and Peggy is an excellent role model for girls.  I hope I can show it to my goddaughter some day!

I love my photographer!

Progress+First Book of the Year

I had a short talk with Therese today.  I try to visit her every day but sometimes it's pouring rain and sometimes I can't handle it that day.  Most of the time, it's therapeutic.
I finished reading Liar, Temptress, Soldier, Spy. It was pretty good! The story jumped around quite a bit, but it made it more interesting.  I read a lot of history books to begin with, so I enjoyed reading about a piece of history that rarely gets discussed. I also like history books that read as novels.  It's more enjoyable than just reading facts and dates ad nauseum.  One person discussed was Mary Bowser, who I had previously read about in The Secret Diary of Mary Bowser.  The author was at a conference where I read a paper I had written, and I got to meet her and discuss this integral person who never gets recognition.  She was a servant in the Van Lew household.  They freed and educated their slaves and sent Mary to Philadelphia to become educated.  During the Civil War, she was a servant in Jefferson Davis's household, and thanks to her perfect memory and the South's unwillingness to believe in her intelligence, she was able to spy for the North.  Liar also covers two Southern belles who spied for the South and a Northern woman who fought and spied undercover as a man.
Next on my book reading list is Persepolis.  I've been wanting to read this since I was in college, but I haven't gotten around to it.
In other progress, I've been to the gym twice and have stayed away from sweets and things.  Last night, Mike and I saw Into the Woods and I avoided the junk.  The movie made me wish I could ask a witch to lift a curse and give me a baby as well, but I wouldn't want to fall off a cliff! (Spoiler, sorry).

Dress: Modcloth

Flower: Vintage Box 1947

Pin: Old, from Cookie Lee

Sweater: Super old, from Target

Finally, I realized I feel much better when I'm dressed nicely, despite not having very many places to go or people to see today.  My dress was a Christmas present from Modcloth from Mike and my cat pin is Cookie Lee, from my mom (many years ago).  My flower is from Vintage Box 1947, which makes the nicest flowers ever.
A note on my flowers: I started wearing them over ten years ago, while I was still in college and I decided to start dressing more like my grandma and less like a goth.  Later, when I made my confirmation, I chose St. Therese because she was my grandma's confirmation saint as well.  St. Therese is known as "The Little Flower" and my angel daughter was "born" on her feast day, October 1st.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be wearing flowers for the rest of my life in her honor!

Closer look at Mr. Kittycat

New Year

Hi.  Essentially I'm starting this blog to deal with becoming strong, dealing with loss, and because I felt I should work on my writing, since I used to be pretty good at it.  I was published once, in my early 20s, and I never did much with it after that. My therapist says it's useful for me to write and I hope that someone who has experienced loss can glean something from this and have it help them.  I have met several people over the past few months who went through the same thing as I did, and their words and shared experience have helped tremendously. 
The loss: I lost my baby at five and a half months pregnant.  I can't find the words to express what that loss is like.  My husband and I tried for about 8 months to conceive her and then she was gone.  During her very short life, she brought me boundless happiness.  She was truly a little angel on this earth and I miss her every single second.  In about two weeks, my due date is coming up, so I'm really challenged by my feelings right now. 
Today we had to take one of our four cats to the emergency vet because we suspected she had eaten some chocolate my husband had dropped (she's fine and currently running around, mad at us).  It was terrible at the time because it brought back the feeling of being in the Labor and Delivery, waiting to see what was wrong with the baby.  Thankfully, this was over quickly and we went home.  The previous time, I wound up having to deliver my angel and spent the next four days in the hospital.  However, I am blessed that my family and my best friends Natalie and Espy were there for me.  Today's emergency visit just brought back all that fear and the desire to protect.  But I asked Therese (my baby) to watch over Penelope and she did.  Sometimes I talk to her.  I talk to her while I cook and explain how to do each step. I talk to her about her daddy and what I did that day.  I ask her to send me her brother or sister (Rainbow) so that I can have a little one to raise and one to watch over me. 
I guess I'm rambling but my feelings are so all over the place that it's hard to keep a linear narrative.
I guess I will wrap this up for now by stating my goals for myself and 2015, most of which I will chronicle here. 
1. Read a book a week.  In addition to not writing as much as I should, I don't read as much as I should.  I'm always lamenting the thousands of books I have yet to read, but then I spend seven hours watching a Cops marathon.  It's time to consciously fix that. 
2. Lose the remaining pregnancy weight I put on.  It's hard because I eat my feelings and sometimes I just don't want to leave the house.  But I conceived Therese after I lost some weight and so I have to get over it and start losing. 
3. Do some volunteer work.  The last time I went through something bad, I volunteered with a hospice.  I was assigned to a wonderful lady named Irma Fazio, who was 92 years old.  The time I spent with her was short, but she absolutely changed my life. She was a sweet woman and I miss her dearly.  I would like to start doing something like that again with my free time, especially since I don't work every day now. 
4. Last year in February, I saw a picture of myself at Dapper Day and I looked like crap.  I had really stopped caring about my appearance and my hair sucked.  I started to work on it when I lost weight, but I've been focusing on making myself look and feel better because the road to Rainbow starts with a Positive Mental Attitude.  That will involve posting on my clothes sometimes, because I like them
5. Cook more.  That goes with losing weight, but as a vegan, I like posting about my creations. 
That about wraps it up.  If you read all that, I thank you.