Hi. Essentially I'm starting this blog to deal with becoming strong, dealing with loss, and because I felt I should work on my writing, since I used to be pretty good at it. I was published once, in my early 20s, and I never did much with it after that. My therapist says it's useful for me to write and I hope that someone who has experienced loss can glean something from this and have it help them. I have met several people over the past few months who went through the same thing as I did, and their words and shared experience have helped tremendously.
The loss: I lost my baby at five and a half months pregnant. I can't find the words to express what that loss is like. My husband and I tried for about 8 months to conceive her and then she was gone. During her very short life, she brought me boundless happiness. She was truly a little angel on this earth and I miss her every single second. In about two weeks, my due date is coming up, so I'm really challenged by my feelings right now.
Today we had to take one of our four cats to the emergency vet because we suspected she had eaten some chocolate my husband had dropped (she's fine and currently running around, mad at us). It was terrible at the time because it brought back the feeling of being in the Labor and Delivery, waiting to see what was wrong with the baby. Thankfully, this was over quickly and we went home. The previous time, I wound up having to deliver my angel and spent the next four days in the hospital. However, I am blessed that my family and my best friends Natalie and Espy were there for me. Today's emergency visit just brought back all that fear and the desire to protect. But I asked Therese (my baby) to watch over Penelope and she did. Sometimes I talk to her. I talk to her while I cook and explain how to do each step. I talk to her about her daddy and what I did that day. I ask her to send me her brother or sister (Rainbow) so that I can have a little one to raise and one to watch over me.
I guess I'm rambling but my feelings are so all over the place that it's hard to keep a linear narrative.
I guess I will wrap this up for now by stating my goals for myself and 2015, most of which I will chronicle here.
1. Read a book a week. In addition to not writing as much as I should, I don't read as much as I should. I'm always lamenting the thousands of books I have yet to read, but then I spend seven hours watching a Cops marathon. It's time to consciously fix that.
2. Lose the remaining pregnancy weight I put on. It's hard because I eat my feelings and sometimes I just don't want to leave the house. But I conceived Therese after I lost some weight and so I have to get over it and start losing.
3. Do some volunteer work. The last time I went through something bad, I volunteered with a hospice. I was assigned to a wonderful lady named Irma Fazio, who was 92 years old. The time I spent with her was short, but she absolutely changed my life. She was a sweet woman and I miss her dearly. I would like to start doing something like that again with my free time, especially since I don't work every day now.
4. Last year in February, I saw a picture of myself at Dapper Day and I looked like crap. I had really stopped caring about my appearance and my hair sucked. I started to work on it when I lost weight, but I've been focusing on making myself look and feel better because the road to Rainbow starts with a Positive Mental Attitude. That will involve posting on my clothes sometimes, because I like them
5. Cook more. That goes with losing weight, but as a vegan, I like posting about my creations.
That about wraps it up. If you read all that, I thank you.
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